


Nan Flanagan's Appearance On "Between Two Ferns" With Zach Galifianakis

by FrancescaFiona



Category: True Blood
Genre: AVL, Back-handed bitchiness, Dry Humor, Equal Rights, Political Humor, Trans-rights, Women's Rights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrancescaFiona/pseuds/FrancescaFiona
Summary: Transcript of Nan Flanagan, AVL Spokeswoman's, appearance on "Between Two Ferns".





	Nan Flanagan's Appearance On "Between Two Ferns" With Zach Galifianakis

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is based on Hilary Clinton's appearance on "Between two ferns" (which is brilliant, if you haven't seen it). 
> 
> I'm a big True Blood fan and seeing the clip got me thinking...what if?
> 
> As a disclaimer, I do not own the character of Nan Flanagan, nor do I own Zach Galifianakis (which I'm sure he'd be glad to know). Also, this is written in the spirit of the show - I was aiming to make it realistic and funny, not to make fun of Zach.
> 
> Hope y'all like it :)

[Opening theme]

[Nan Flanagan sits in the guest chair. The room is decorated with crucifixes. Zach Galifianakis enters slowly wearing full hockey goal-keeper gear. He sits down nervously and pushes his chair as far away from Flanagan’s as the camera angle will allow. Flanagan raises her eyebrows.]

Galifianakis: [Haltingly] Er… Hi there. It’s er…it’s Zach…Galifianakis.

[Galifianakis shoots a nervous glance at Flanagan]

Galifianakis: Um…today…I mean, tonight we have a very special guest with us. This is Nan Flanagan.

Flanagan: Thank you Zach, it’s good to be here.

Galifianakis: [Shifting in his chair uncomfortably] Why … why did you say that? Are…are you going to drink my _blood?_

Flanagan: Of course not Zach!

Galifianakis: Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to take some extra precautions.

[Galifianakis darts forward and moves the coffee table between Flanagan and himself. He then ties a scarf tight around his neck and secures the shirt buttons at his wrists.]

Flanagan: Nice scarf. Very … European.

Galifianakis: Thanks, it’s designer. So, Ms Flanagan, let’s get right down to it.

[Galifianakis leans forward eagerly but still clutches the scarf around his neck.]

Galifianakis: How many humans have you killed throughout your life?

Flanagan: None.

Galifianakis: [Sceptically] Really?

Flanagan: Yes.

Galifianakis: Cross your heart and hope to die?

[Flanagan raises her eyebrows]

Galifianakis: But how is that _possible?_ Before TruBlood all vampires had to drink from humans.

Flanagan: That is correct, though feeding from humans does not mean _killing_ them. All the humans that I have ever fed on were adults and one hundred percent consenting … and I did not take enough blood to adversely affect their health in any way.

Galifianakis: But these humans…you could just hypnotise them into agreeing, correct? Oh that reminds me!

[Galifianakis searches under his chair and retrieves a blindfold]

Galifianakis: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put this on, give me a second.

Flanagan: That’s quite alright. I have all the time in the world.

Galifianakis (now blindfolded with his hair sticking up): Just don’t want you hypnotising me, that’s all.

Flanagan: Always better to be safe than sorry, I suppose. Even if vampire hypnotic powers are a myth.

Galifianakis: [Disappointedly] Oh.

[Galifianakis reluctantly removes his blindfold]

Galifianakis: So then. How old are you?

Flanagan: You’re _really_ asking a woman her age on television?

Galifianakis: Well, technically you aren’t a woman though are you? You’re just like a … _thing._

Flanagan: What? A _thing?_ No, Zack, I am a _woman._

Galifianakis: Really?

Flanagan: Of course! Though I know in this day an age it’s inappropriate to immediately jump to that conclusion about someone. I _identify_ as a female vampire, as I identified as a female _human._

Galifianakis:…Before you died?

Flanagan: Do I seem dead to you Zach?

[Galifianakis shuffles papers uncomfortably]

Galifianakis: [Mumbles] Not dead enough.

Flanagan: I heard that!

[Galifianakis sighs]

Galifianakis: [Mutters darkly] Of course you did.

[Galifianakis coughs in a businesslike way]

Galifianakis: Now, moving on. What’s it like to be able to live lawlessly and do whatever the hell you want all the time?

Flanagan: Well Zach I … wouldn’t know. The vampire population in the US abides to our own, very strict laws. in fact, our laws are such more-

Galifianakis: You are aware I’m not a virgin, right?

Flanagan: I… _excuse me?_

Galifianakis: [Casually] Yeah, I heard that virgins’ blood tastes better to vampires. I just didn’t want to get your hopes up.

Flanagan: This conversation just took a bit of a turn didn't it? Well… firstly Zach … congratulations! You must be very proud. I’m sure it took years of hard work.

Galifianakis: [Flicking his hair] Well … I _have_ been hitting the gym.

Flanagan: And secondly I’ve heard this myth too. And it is _false_. Virgin blood tastes like other human blood which tastes like TruBlood which we all choose to drink as our staple food source. Any drinking of human blood is merely a supplementary thing and takes place between two consenting individuals as part of a se-

[Galifianakis lunges for the bucket under his chair and convulses as if he’s about to be sick. He’s breathing heavily]

Flanagan: Are you okay Zach?

[Galifianakis holds up his finger to silence Flanagan and heaves again over the bucket]

Galifianakis: [Faintly] Okay, I’m okay.

Flanagan: You sure?

Galifianakis: Yeah, I just got quite the mental image there. So fangbangers willingly let-

Flanagan: Fangophiles please. Or “human companions” which is the term that we vampires use.

[Galifianakis looks ruffled]

Galifianakis: Okay _fangophiles_. They let vampires drink from them?

Flanagan: Yes, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Galifianakis: [Slyly] Do _you_  have a human companion?

Flanagan: [Blandly] Now that’s an extremely personal question. But no, I don’t. I drink only TruBlood and I find it completely sufficient.

Galifianakis: [Mutters childishly] Wow, you are _so_ boring. You’re not very good at being a vampire at _all!_ This is _no_ fun!

Flanagan: [Sweetly] Thank you.

Galifianakis: Now, another important point. Did you know that since the Great Revelation the sales of cocaine and heroin in the US have dropped to a record low?

Flanagan: Yes, I have heard this, though I would be very hesitant to link the two.

Galifianakis: I suppose that’s because everyone’s drinking vampire blood now, huh?

[Flanagan looks unimpressed]

Flanagan: Let me get this straight. Our blood does seem to have rather a profound effect when taken by humans as a narcotic but the rise in it’s usage is not because vampires are _giving_ it but because humans are _taking_ it. I… What are you doing?

[Galifianakis puts on a pair of industrial ear-protecters]

Galifianakis: [Loudly] Sorry, please continue. Just making sure I don’t actually listen to you by accident.

[Flanagan rolls her eyes]

Flanagan: Last month in the state of Louisiana _alone_ there were fifteen reports of humans taking a vampire’s blood without permission, either to use themselves or to sell as a drug. _Fifteen_. Frankly I’m disgusted, particularly as Louisiana is the state where there is the most anti-vampire propaganda being produced, with the stealing of humans’ blood being their main case against vampires. Seems pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

[Galifianakis lifts one side of the ear-protectors]

Galifianakis: Louisiana, that’s the Church of the Sun’s hang-out isn’t it.

[Flanagan nods]

[Galifianakis removes ear-protectors]

Galifianakis: Wow. Y’know Nan, do you ever feel … _depressed_ … that after _all_ your peaceful campaigning, _Steve Newlin_ is more popular down there than you are?

Flanagan: [Quietly] Not with his wife, apparently.

Galifianakis: [Gleefully] Ouch!

Flanagan: But in seriousness, no, I don’t. I am very aware of the Church’s large following, particularly in the southern states, but I think that this is not a popularity competition, this is about Civil Rights and I believe that the day will come, soon, when as a nation we get over our prejudices and accept every American as an equal.

Galifianakis: Is this the point of your…

[Galifianakis checks his notes]

Galifianakis: VRA?

Flanagan: Yes indeed.

Galifianakis: [Laughs] Great, rights for all Americans. So what’s next? Equal pay for women and free college education?

Flanagan: It’s dangerous I know. Quite a slippery slope.

[Galifianakis appears not to be listening and produces a cardboard cut-out of Steve Newlin. He attempts to stand him up but he falls down again]

Galifianakis: Oops, sorry about that. Seems he doesn’t have much substance after all.

[Flanagan picks up one of the crosses on the table and hands it to Galifianakis]

Flanagan: Here, perhaps he just needs something to lean against.

[Galifianakis props up the Steve Newlin figure with the religious symbol. The cut-out just about manages to stand unaided]

Galifianakis: [Thoughtfully] Hmm, he’s up. Leaning quite heavily to the right though…

[Flanagan goes to say something but stops herself and instead nods, smiling very slightly]

Galifianakis: Now Nan, something more serious…

[Galifianakis drops his voice to a whisper]

Galifianakis: I was wondering. You see, my various co-stars over the years have often said that I smell like Cheetos. Because you’re a vampire, what do I smell like to _you?_

[Flanagan considers]

Flanagan: Hmm, more of a camembert I think.

Galifianakis: So you can’t smell my blood?

Flanagan: Not _yours_ , no.

Galifianakis: [Grinning] Will you show be your fangs?

[Flanagan looks offended]

Flanagan: Will you show me your _ass?_

[Galifianakis gets up, turns around and moves as if to pull down his pants]

Flanagan: Zach no! Please! I didn’t mean it! At least throw me that blindfold if you really have to do that.

Galifianakis: Why? I thought vampires liked a bit of ass? Aren’t all vampires obsessed with sex?

Flanagan: Aren’t all _men?_ That it _such_ a generalisation and it really isn’t fair.

Galifianakis: So you’re not interested?

[Galifianakis gestures to himself]

Flanagan: Sorry, no. Not … not really my type.

Galifianakis: [Huffily] Fine, I see how it is.

[Galifianakis sits down again]

Galifianakis: And with that insult to my pride, I think we’ll end there. Nan it has been a … pleasure. No blood spilled at all! And… to thank you for digging yourself out of the ground to be here and for not killing me or anyone else in the studio…. I have some presents for you.

[Flanagan looks wary]

Galifianakis: Don’t get _too_ excited. Okay so I got you….

[Galifianakis pulls out a two books]

Galifianakis:…Steve Newlin’s book, I know you’re a fan, and then _another_ favourite of mine…

[Galifianakis hands Flanagan the book]

Flanagan: [Disbelievingly] _Dracula?_

Galifianakis: Yes. I also got you these chocolates…

[Galifianakis hands Flanagan a box of chocolates]

Galifianakis: And this sunscreen. Factor 50. That’ll be enough right?

[Flanagan laughs]

Flanagan: Protection from UV A _and_ B?

Galifianakis: [Grinning] Of course, you want that deep tan don’t you? Thought all this would be nice, you know, with the summer coming up. You could do a bit of sunbathing… Careful with the chocolates though, there’s a hazelnut one in there somewhere. You don’t have a nut allergy do you?

Flanagan: [Seriously, though with a hint of a smile] No, I do not have a nut allergy. Thank you Zach, I shall … treasure them.

[Galifianakis turns to the camera]

Galifianakis: See you next time on Between Two Ferns…unless our guest gets too, er… hungry.

Flanagan: Really Zach?

Galifianakis: Goodbye.

[Camera cuts off to Galifianakis’s worried face]

[Closing theme]


End file.
